Santa Risk Assessment
Written by Phoenix Health & Safety
19th December 2016
Decorations are going up, copious amounts of alcohol is being consumed with the excuse “ah well, it’s Christmas” for an entire month, presents are being bought, cards are being sent and trees are being put up indoors. It can only mean one thing – weather you love it or hate it, it’s nearly Christmas. Christmas is more important to some more than others, one of whom is Santa. The poor man is a literally a saint, yet he is laboured with the same task every year of delivering bikes, games consoles and various other toys to millions of children worldwide. We don’t feel that the big man gets enough credit, so we have compiled a risk assessment to show everyone the uphill struggles he faces on a yearly basis.
1) Angry Elves
The elves work tirelessly all year round producing gifts, whereas Santa shows up on one night to take all the credit and limelight. This can often result in riot like scenes in the North Pole meaning Santa has to don his riot gear to defend Mrs Clause and himself from a rebellion of elves demanding more attention from the public.
2) Sleigh related injuries
To circumnavigate the globe in one night, Santa would need to travel 650 miles per second, which is about 3,000 times the speed of sound. It goes without saying, that when traveling at these speeds there can be some serious risks involved. A well fitted seat-belt would be a good place to start but the rest of the requirements for his sleigh would take serious scientific consideration which most people are not prepared to carry out. To keep it brief, travelling 3,000 times the speed of sound is very dangerous.
3) Over eating / drinking
Imagine the health risks of old Saint Nick. All of those mince pies and sherry puts him at risk of health issues such as diabetes, heart attack, obesity and loss of breath. This is a ridiculous amount for any human to consume in a year, never mind one night. We recommend Santa take serious dietary precautions to prepare himself for all of this if he intends to fit down any chimneys. If you are planning on leaving Santa some food & drink, maybe consider a healthier option such as kale, quinoa & wheat grass.
4) The police / law
It’s a good job Santa is an incredibly experienced locksmith. This allows him to avoid alerting people who houses do not have a chimney. If he didn’t have such skills it would undoubtedly be the busiest night of the year for the police and Santa would have several warrants for his arrest, as well as a lot of angry parents.
As far as we’re aware, the reindeer are domesticated to a level where they will do exactly what they are told. Without saying Santa is some sort of reindeer whisperer, he obviously has something about him which makes animals like him. Santa must also have a veterinary licence to be able to diagNOSE Rudolph and his obvious physical deformity, yet still deem him fit to work. Needless to mention the countless pets around the world whose territory he is invading whilst not disturbing them.