Zombie Apocalypse Guide For Humans
Written by Phoenix Health & Safety
18th October 2016
So you wake up in the morning, eat your breakfast, brush your teeth and start to prepare for the day ahead. Then a load of zombies start trying to break your door down! Let’s face it we’ve all been there. And that’s why we’ve got your back, with this foolproof zombie apocalypse guide!
Tip One Do not try and out run a zombie, their cardiovascular fitness is impeccable because they have no heart. Unless you're Mo Farrah then and you can run all day, if you find yourself in a footrace with a zombie, give up and accept your fate. You can eat all the quorn you want but you'll never run as fast as Mo.
Tip Two Try to avoid cities. As tempting as a raid on the high-streets may be for supplies, you'll almost certainly to bump into one of your old friends who is now a zombie. Sods law, it'll be someone who you never really liked. You'll have to do the awkward wave/run that everyone does when you bump into an old mate who is now a zombie.
Tip Three Weapons could make or break you in a situation like this. Chances are, you won't have had much experience with a firearm in your day to day life so it's probably best safest to avoid them. Grenades on the other hand seem fairly straight forward to use in films, so if confronted with a zombie, throw a grenade at them.
Tip Four Contrary to popular video games, trapping yourself in an abandoned building with a gun and a box of weapons is not a good idea. This is because abandoned buildings are not safe for anybody unless there has been a thorough Health and Safety & Risk Assessment Audit carried out. If you're getting chased by zombies, the last thing you need is an inconvenient cut from a stray rusty nail.
Tip Five Preparation is everything. Take an Emergency First Aid Course. For obvious reasons. If only we could recommend somewhere for you to take one for the inevitable zombie uprising.
Tip Six Become a zombie. If you can't beat them - join them. In terms of convenience this could be a better alternative, a little bit of pain up front but then roaming the earth freely for as long as you please sounds like a pretty good deal.