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Zombie Apocalypse Guide For Zombies

Written by Phoenix Health & Safety
26th October 2016

So you wake up in the morning, eat some brains, brush your teeth and start to prepare for the day ahead. Then you see a human running around smashing in your mate’s heads with a baseball bat. There’s obviously a lot you could do in this situation but we feel if you follow these tips then you’ll be tucking into your next brain in no time. Here’s our guide on how to be a zombie in a zombie apocalypse.

Tip One Use your strengths to your advantage. Remember, you don’t have a functioning heart so you can probably run long distance without a problem. Most humans on the other hand, can’t. You’ll regularly see fellow zombie pals giving humans a bit of a hand by breaking one of their own legs to give them more of a workout.

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Tip Two Head to the cities. With all the humans gone, this gives you free roam of the shops without having to queue to get into the fitting rooms. A handy perk when you’re constantly getting blood stains on your fresh new shoes. 

Thank us later. via GIPHY 

Tip Three The majority of humans don’t have any experience using weapons, but anyone can swing a bat or golf club which could easily mess up your hair. If possible, try to wear some sort of protective gear such as shin pads or and protective gloves. Accidents can happen and it’s always best to be prepared – you wouldn’t want to look too scary.


Tip Four If you see a human entering an abandoned building, you can do one of two things

  1. Follow them in whilst grunting loudly, alert your friends and get ready to tuck in.
  2. Move on. The human may be deadly so best to avoid.
via GIPHY 

Tip Five Preparation is everything. You can prepare for your days as a zombie by aimlessly scratching windows, banging on doors or fences and shouting. You’re a long time dead, so may as well use the time to finesse your techniques, or complete a NEBOSH course, up to you.

via GIPHY 

Tip Six Nobody lives forever, except zombies. So, if you can, let humans know that it’s not all that bad by killing them and letting them see first-hand how great it is.